Thursday, July 5, 2007


I wonder if turning 30 can drive a person insane...
I turned 30 this year. Part of me doesn't think of being 30 as a big deal, I don't feel different than being 29 or 25 for that matter.
But there is another part of me that is more restless now and it's been driving me mad.

My dear husband lists everything that I have almost daily, trying to have me get a grip of the situation. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby boy whom I love and adore, I have a husband who loves me, I have a job although it could've paid more (well, isn't that always the case...), we're actually in the process of buying a house (in San Francisco too, no less!), I have friends who genuinely care for me, etc., etc. There are probably 99% of the population who would gladly trade places with me, yet I feel so... blah....

I guess if I know that this is it, that this is all I can ever hope to accomplish, then I'll probably be happy and live out the rest of my life being content. But, somehow, I feel that there's more. I don't know what, but it's out there.

What if what I'm destined to do is to travel around the world, living in parts of the world months at a time? What if I made a wrong turn somewhere that prevent me from reaching my full potential?
Or worse, what if I've peaked? what if all the things that I've done are the best that I can do? Really? I feel like I can do so much more, but what if it's not true? It's only what I'd like to think?
I tell myself that this is the year that I will do something to fulfill my potential, and then, I think, ah.. but I have a family now, I can't just pack up and leave (if that's what I have to do)! It is a bunch of baloney. I didn't feel the need to travel the world when I was single and didn't have a baby, why am I so worried about having to uproot the family now?
I'm probably just using having a family as an excuse, so I don't have to try and risk failure. But I suppose having this excuse doesn't satisfy me or else I would be convinced that there's nothing I can do and be content.

You know how when you're 17 you think you have all the problems in the world, and later when you're in your mid-twenties you look back and think: "boy was I being such a drama queen". Maybe later when I turn 40, I'd look back and think: "what was I so worried about, I should've just enjoyed my thirties and saved all the make believe heart and head-aches"

Being A Nice Person

I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. I try to be a nice person, and sometimes, it means biting my tongue or surpressing my emotions and feelings in order to not be and sound like a witch and well... be nice instead.
Then, after a while of doing so, I start feeling bitter and resentful that I don't get to express my emotions, my true, at-the-moment emotions, which might be anger, hurt, sadness.
I was told that there's a type of person that would feel cheated because they can't be a jerk. A person that feel she's missing out because she can't be bad. Wanting to be bad just out of spite. Am I that person?
I just want to be me, but what if the real me is not a nice person?

Monday, July 2, 2007

One of those days....

Wow... 6 months between posts, good thing I've never claimed to be a master blogger.
I did have a baby in March and I'm planning to use all the new-mommy excuses until nobody believes it anymore. It's weird that I always think I'm never near a computer when a thought comes to my head, and that's why I can't blog when I'm in front of the computer all the time at work, and I have a computer at home!

Why is it that it's so hard for me to appreciate what I have? At the risk of sounding totally cliche, it seems that I take for granted what I do have and covet desperately for what I don't have (or think I don't have). Who can guarantee that I'll be happier if I do have what I imagine I should have?

I need a variation of the ghost-of-christmases or something. Maybe if I can be convinced that I have it really good now, I can let go of my hang-ups of not having what I want and be happy